Broken Pieces in a Bottle
I’m not sure how I ended up down this road. I don’t even know where I am. I don’t even know who he is anymore or did I ever know?
Do you know How many times I asked myself what happened? How did it get this far? What did I do? No matter how many questions I asked I never told myself that I deserved better.
Let’s be honest, although I knew that I was not the cause of the problem, they’re were a lot of “smaller” incidents that would lead into much larger problems that I did have control over. For instance, the way he would question me. He would get right up in my face. There was always a confrontation of some sorts. Yelling, swearing, accusations, complaints and the list would go on and on. However, I wasn’t assertive enough to speak up. I was refusing to recognize the severity of our issues. Yes, we both played a huge part in the madness and chaos of our so-called relationship. Let me clarify my role. It’s simple, I stayed and I accepted all of the bullshit. I had no real justifiable reason to stay. I made excuses for me and him. I accepted every excuse he gave me, the lies, false promises and fake love. It was more than just denial, I was forcing myself to be blind to the facts.
I did more than just love him, I submitted myself completely. I didn’t care that I was putting myself in harm’s way. I would secretly hide my feelings after every beating. I would erase the signs of expression off my face, after every verbal insult. I would wait until he would leave the house just so that I could cry in silence. There were, things that were happening to me that I didn’t like. I still, remained silent and vigilant about finding a cure for him. I thought that I was the one that could “fix” him. There were things that made me feel extremely uncomfortable and I didn’t speak up, I just accepted it. I rolled with the “punches” literally and figuratively. I kept dreaming and wishing for it to stop and for tomorrow to come, not knowing what tomorrow was going to bring but then sometimes knowing that tomorrow there was a possibility that the same thing was going to happen and I stayed there for many different reasons. I was diminished and every day I had the same wish, I just wanted to “disappear”. I used to wish that a genie would appear and give me my three (3) wishes. It’s funny, because now that I look back I don’t ever remember if I had any other wishes. All I wanted was a way to get rid of myself. Go figure that one. I didn’t even think highly enough of myself to understand that I was a human first and I mattered. Now I know better. I lost a lot before I realized it was gone but everything that I lost I wasn’t supposed to have anyway.
From one survivor to another, let me keep it real with you. When your involved with a person who has no self-control, anger issues and is dealing with some serious underlying problems, it will destroy you. You are vulnerable mentally, emotionally, financially and physically.
The problem with people who have been victimized is that we try to play “doctor”. We think that we can heal or diagnose the problem with our abuser. We find excuses. We think of possible cures and solutions and we try to administer the medication that would heal or change the person or the person within. All the while putting ourselves and our wellbeing last. Understand this, a narcissist’s main objective is to violate you in any way possible. They prey on your weakness and will take advantage of your loyalty and exploit your beliefs and dignity. The dislike for you and them [your abuser], is intense. No matter what you do there will always be turmoil. There’s no cure for that. There isn’t a school or degree that would make you an expert on how to heal your abuser and if you think you can, you’ll just be a graduate of the school of destruction with a certificate in broken pieces.
It took a long time before I started to realize that I am an amazing person and that I am loved. My genie in the bottle was my own will to want better by getting out and getting help. I never looked back. I kept pushing forward and fighting for all of the wonderful things that life had to offer me. I knew what I wanted. I deserved to be loved. I had to start healing the inner me. I had to start loving me.